I remember when when I found out about polyamory, during one of the Warsaw's Hard Core festivals, on one of zine stalls I found a zine "Anarchy and Polyamory". Honestly I've never read it till the end, but I read other things.
I also took a look through my last ten years of being in relationships, monogamous relationships which somehow always made me unhappy. And the more I was reading about it, the more I was getting sure, how much it all refers to me.
A lot of time passed since then, I fell in love and fell out several times, but what most important I learned a lot about myself.
Except treating the fact of falling in love as something natural and not necessarily ending good (or as well bad), I learned to share and divide my emotions.
Last months taught me a lot more about this subject, I've never had to be so flexible and cautious in treating my heart with care, just not to let it break. I've been through so many different and rich relations like never before and now I feel like my heart's capacity of feelings extended just like my lungs and circulatory system competence extended after months of running.
I feel full of love. Again, but this time I don't feel anymore, that no one needs it. I just know how to manage it wisely.
And I keep on living my Northern life in small, funny town near big awesome city, I enjoy snowy, beautiful Winter, I'm more active that I expected I'd be.
The future will remain unwritten.
I started to write paper letters.
First I've noticed that I use extra expression "paper letter-mailbox address", because mailbox address means obviously e-mail.
Because I made stencils, which I decorated envelopes with.
Because of privacy of correspondence.
And because I believe that real words written on paper have greater power than even the most beautiful electronic letter. Just like the words written with your own handwriting could have some hidden meaning, deeper contents or because they just look beautiful.
That's what I still had thought some weeks ago, before I received some of the most beautiful emails in my life.
And before I couldn't read one, encrypted email which I was waiting for with my head in Winter clouds and my heart flying in frosty air over the grazing outside the town. I waited for one sunny day and regardless freezing cold I went to take pictures of those beautiful spaces I always watch outside the window on a train.
Of course, they turned out to be old, abandoned grasslands, completely useless in age of factory farming, but still so sad. Huge pieces of land cut into pieces with barb-wire fences, so easy to trespass for us and other smaller animals but completely closed and out of reach for the cattle.
I left and came back in few days, when snow fell down, to take pictures again. And again I thought of the countless years through countless beings were forced to live on those beautiful spaces with only one purpose.
Thank you, who consider being vegan, who take the effort to think about wider aspect of animal products consumption. I'm so glad I could help.
Thank also everyone who wrote me in last few weeks. I've never received so much.
I still wait for paper letters, some of emails I wish so much to have on paper as well. Some of the words are just so precious.
I heard this song for the first time in someone's car, being in travel, tired, a bit ill, homesick and lovesick. It appeared so absolutely beautiful on the back seat, while I was looking outside the window on forests ranging endless along the highway covered with pure snow, so surprising in this warm Winter. I felt a bit like I was inside some indie/pop music video.
It made me sad and sensitive, I didn't hear how stupid and shallow the lyrics are, but I was amazed by the music and the moment was really beautiful.
That was anyway some months ago, a lot happened in between, I met many new people, had another wonderful birthday, spend truly good time with my, and not only my family, made connections and collected ideas for future. I've also had hard time dealing with all of my "falling in love with wrong ones" severe cases, I turned one into pure friendship without going further into details, the others I managed to continue without suffering anymore, with a little, unexpected help, both into different directions.
Right now I feel more happy than ever before, even if somehow everything gets only more and more complicated.
Every little choice I make affects further choices.
We maybe have some common plans.
Me may have not.
We walked through countless streets of Warsaw and Hamburg, discovering new places and little details about our lives.
Perhaps that was only so meaningful for me, or maybe I just learned to find the meaning in everything I do. I enjoyed every moment, every joke, every argument, every discussion, every coffee and meal, all full of laugh and this warm impression, that everything is in order.
That I'm free, free from all irreconcilable problems, burdens and compromises, but also free to : go, to stay, to come back, to study, to travel, to work, to move out, to be on my own.
To put my energy into anything I find worth it.
I just would love to do it with you.
To travel to US and Canada, to hitchhike it through and all over, to visit all the places we consider interesting, to make friends, to get into trouble, to send letters to Europe, to speak German just for fun, and not to forget it.
I remain with all the feelings. They just float over the border of love and friendship, with ease, slightly, painless. They can just take required shape, if only it will make us more happy. The amounts remain. I'm not afraid, guilty, lost anymore. I just feel like I want to hear this lovely song without hearing these stupid lyrics someday else, elsewhere far, on someone else's backseat, burned with sun, the same tired.
I can do it alone.
I just think together it will be much more fun..
I'm the last person to be surprised how much fun it is to make presents with your own hands. But this place, in a little village somewhere in the north of Germany enchanted me completely. First with it's atmosphere, something between chilled out Sunday's morning coffee with flat-mates and feeling of being creatively busy, as in all well organized workshops. All put together in wonderful, warm space full of pottery in all stages of progress, clay dust and decorations.
Then with a friendly and warm welcome to work together and then with positive energy I carried with me long after I left.
I had this opportunity to make some not-so-perfect useful gifts in my friend's internship workshop. I can't wait to come back.
On the way, in one of the suburb buses I saw a bookshelf. Looks like a good idea to read something light on a way to work.
I can imagine myself in twenty years having this calm, slow life of fulfilled woman, somewhere in the wilds or deep suburbs of Europe, just having fun with work.
But still there's too much to do and
roads are too broad and tempting.
Whatever you say about Christmas, whether you love the sound of cheesy songs and bells and enjoy shopping, hate it because of pressure of tradition, family, culture and consumerism or treat it as some time in a year fixed for cooking, meeting and giving presents. Here people make Weihnachts markets and have truly fun out of it. Just because they can hang around outside, meet friends, eat something unhealthy and drink some spiced wine. In the meantime spend some money on useless gifts or sweets. I'm not saying it's something great. I just see relaxed people spending time elsewhere than in shopping-malls or in front of TV. I've seen it before in Summer and in Autumn, guess Germans also have their ways to deal with Winter.
By the way, despite amount of wasted electricity and supporting capitalism - that was awesome. I envy German children a bit.
"Well, my heart is broken and my spirit too
but this won't be the day that I surrender to the likes of you.
I may be hurt and bleeding,
but I won't lay down and die.
As long as this hearts beating.
I will get up and try again.
And I know I can't be wrong,
'cause we are thousands strong yeah!
Each one of us a feather on it's gol-encrusted tail.
And if we stay together
there is no way that we can fail.
Almost like a phoenix rising.
From the fire, hear it's cry sing out!
With different hearts and different minds
we're breaking barriers.
With different hearts and different minds
we're gonna break down the walls
and whatever stands in our way is gonna fall!
This is the second wave,
a new wind in our sail,
and if we stay together
there is no way that we can fail.
How much longer can you ignore us?
Here we come now,
are you ready for us?
TEAR IT DOWN!
TEAR IT DOWN!
There's nothing that can stop us now,
if we put our hearts to it.
TEAR IT DOWN!
TEAR IT DOWN!
There's nothing that can stop us now,
if we put or minds to it."
As for the one river, too many memories.
One river, 3 days, 3 cities. Nothing could be more special as Köln, where I took a look around Germany for the first time, came back in the meantime to help and share and now I found again one of the closest to my heart autonomous centers and these special friends, which I don't have to see every day. I don't even have to define this relation. I just find this calm, warm, soothing, safe place and so special people.
One fast trip to Düsseldorf, where again unconditional kindness, hospitality and openness lets us see the city with both : street full of madly expensive boutiques and another, full of squatted houses. And the river. We make friends with cats and have one of the best breakfast - talks in history of couch surfing.
Then finally Mainz. City of bikes, students and all those memories, which gives me creeps and makes heart beat so much faster.
Right half of them are not memories. They will never be. They're as real as the too long walk, too warm evening, ridiculously as for Halloween, as visit in a hospital, as working together in one of these places, which exist outside of real world, but still so close. As the support, that have never been more needed. As as coffee/adrenaline/falling in love rush. Falling and staying in love and then falling again, every time deeper, every time more conscious, more helpless, more consent.
And the river. Amazingly calm, cold and eternal.
I don't remember when I grew up so big to treat everything as a political act. Or at least as a chance to one. When life went so serious, that I couldn't spend time on just having fun, because all of this activities such as not-political movies, my beloved XIX century literature, parties, riding a bike, walks, seem to be so outrageous waste of time. Since when I can only watch documentaries, read political/ feminist/ queer/ anarchist/ animal rights/ social involved books or zines (the best in English, to train language skills), go to solidarity parties (because on other, since I don't drink nor smoke there's not much to do anyway), ride a bike to certain places as a way of transport, jog for health reasons instead of walking – to feel fair with my time budget. When life became so complicated?
Actually, I DO remember when that happened. And it was not so long ago.
Now, few days ago I had a chance to meet group of young (mostly under 25) people, mostly just having pure, healthy fun and to live with them for over a week.
I almost forgot, that it's nothing unusual to eat meat, that I have to define what „squat” or „left wing movements” are. I was expecting the worst and I discovered that despite everything I'm still willing to learn. I feel like I've learnt one of the most important things in my life: do not underestimate nor waste any experience, anything I meet on my way can be enriching. That seems so obvious, but still I surprise myself.
I learnt even more. Where my social borders lay and how I already trained myself to not force them. And of course as my foreign socialization goes one, comes both progress and trouble.
The wayfarer's cliche reached me so unexpectedly: longing for new places, new languages, new friends, new homes as strong as after all the left behind.
I also don't remember very well, when I turned into a wayfarer …
Between all activities I managed to continue jogging. And after months of trying I found a joy in it. So, despite being in travel, I ran out of town, to the mountains so amazingly beautiful in light and Autumn. No matter how cold the air was, no matter how tired my lungs and legs get.
There is something in running what makes you clear. Not after coming home, stretching and shower, but just at the moment, between the breaths. I finally get to understand it. My friend asked me do I ran to get rid of frustration, too much energy or anger .
I run to be with myself, to forget about the longing.
