29 May 2012

Bella Italia. Firenza !

In the end of the Italian trip we stopped in Florence for one afternoon. The plan was to find some vegetarian restaurant, which someone recommended to one of us and to eat there before long night train ride back to M√ľnchen.
I personally wanted just to eat pizza.
I already tried Italian coffee, feast, hospitality. It was about time for pizza.

End in end after 1,5 hour wandering around we stopped just anywhere (to my delight) and ordered damned good one. Nevermind it tasted just the same as any pizza you can eat around whole Germany (including the North Sea) in any random Italian restaurant.
This one was Italian. And of course Vegan.

And the city! Despite amounts of tourists, calm, beautiful, vibrant.
For the first time in my life I saw so many motor scooters.

I also realized that Florence is one of the favourite cities of Hannibal Lecter. And it was the Florence's tower from where he threw Rinaldo Pazzi.
I haven't seen the tower, but I realized suddenly how lucky I am to be free to travel and surprisingly see places I've never dreamed of seeing. Like this city and whole Toscania, about which I read in a book when I was 15 and only imagined how beautiful it must be to satisfy Lecter's sophisticated taste.

After this short time and some talks with Italian friend I promised myself to come back and take a better look around.

Or fill the plan B: move to a one of the Italian squats and live out of dumpster-diving and join dozens of street artists selling self drawn postcards to tourists.
I plan to remain this free.

28 May 2012

Bella Italia. Isola d'Elba

Liebesfest. Lovefest. People from around the world meeting in one place to celebrate my friends' happiness. Because weddings are overrated, just like marriage.

With the weight of worries from last two months, all piled up emotions, exhaustion, stress and a clear plan to just rest I came to Elba.

What I found, outgrew all the expectations.

The weather mild, perfect combination of temperature, rain and sun, nature of the island full of sights and smells creating a cloud of a dream.
The sea so gentle, salty and calm, making skin soft, soaking into hair and cooling down.
Amazing food, the simplest and most delicious vegan dishes I've eaten since ages.

The feeling of being surrounded by friends, those I love, those I feel good with and the new ones, I met here, because they just came for the same reason. To celebrate, to rest, to share, to have fun. But at the same time I was completely on my own, just sitting next to people I felt good with, spending time and exchanging what we wanted to exchange at the moment. Talk, language lesson, building a kite, Grinberg massage, cooking, or even just reading together. Just sitting in sun on three chairs with three books.

I was never so deep in connection with myself as then. I let the disordered thoughts and feelings float through me without stopping them, without thinking and feeling them. For all the 7 days I didn't figure out even one simple solution, idea or attitude. That came after, in the train, on a way back home.
But I was myself, no more, no less, just my body and mind, independent from anything and anyone, free from relationships, love, sex, responsibilities, ideas.

Swimming in the sea and sleeping topless on the beach.

Never so much in one piece, so quiet and confident. I came back with this feeling and clang this in all the bad moments which came after.
I remind myself this state every time I feel like I'm falling apart.

I imagine myself swimming in the sea, so salty and quiet. In one perfect piece.

23 May 2012

It's always so bitter-sweet

Sometimes I feel like I could easily make a movie about my life. Or really cool music video to one of my favourite songs. Sometimes in this bright moments I feel like having just heart and soul and everything is just freedom. And art.

Like me, sitting on a roof of a house project on early Summer day, in all those clothes and hairdo, swallows squeaking over my head, writing a blog on netbook covered with politically involved stickers, waiting for the rain.
Me, jogging through perfect green fields outside the town.
Me, on a easter-European train, reading a book about anarchist revolution which can and will happen only in our heads, dripping with cool quotes.
Me, helping with painting a graffiti with friends and one of my love.
Sun in the hair of one of my love, while we hitchhike, on the side of the road somewhere, hugging and laughing.

But then, sometimes it feels like it didn't even matter. When nothing makes sense and like the horizon would flip upside down and suddenly everyone, including me, would look at my life from different perspective.

Like I could as well say just now: "How much I will miss you one day, boy. In explosion of youth and ideas, you remain calm, but lost anyway, with deep consideration of your best interest, however far from my steps they pave your path." In one of this days I found this song, astonished how it fits me and tells the dark side of the story with all the scary details.
The dark side of freedom and independence. This, what I always hide on the bottom of the backpack.

One of my best friends told me "It would be wonderful to always have someone around who does things just because of you. But then I thought, that I care more about people, who fulfill themselves, and I suffocate in a situation, when someone does something only because of me. That this is weird and I don't really want it. That this can't be healthy for this person and I prefer that s(h)e knows, understands and fulfills him/herself. And then I could love her/him unconditionally and freely. This is also what polyamory is for me. Giving freedom to myself. Not binding forever, but bravely opening your heart and abilities."

I couldn't disagree. Although it hurts sometimes so much. And despite how much I long for home sometimes. And how I feel that I lost or my way, or direction.

"Ghost Towns"

I've got no need for open roads
'Cause all I own fits on my back
I see the world from rusted trains
And always know I won't be back

'Cause all my life is wrapped up in today
No past or future here
If I find my name's no good
I just fall out of line

But I miss you
But there's comin' home
There's no comin' home
With a name like mine
I still think of you
But everyone knows
Yeah everyone knows
If you can, let it go

I seen more places than I can name
And over time they all start to look the same
But it ain't that truth we chase
No, it's the promise of a better place

But all this time, I been chasin' down a lie
And I know it for what it is
But it beats the alternatives
So I'll take the lie

I still miss you
There's no goin' home
There's no goin' home
With a name like mine
I still dream of you
But everyone knows
Yeah everyone knows
If you can, let it go