How much more there is than tight definitions of friendship and love.
I finally dropped all the definitions some weeks ago.
I don't believe in them anymore. Not at all. They are not for me. I try to show with my deeds, how to deal with this lack.
I think I'm doing pretty well.
With German hip hop I somehow started to like, tobacco smoke I somehow stopped to be annoyed with, scent of spray paint, lots of alcohol-free beer, art-work moods, never-ending trouble-talks, night sandwich toasting, learning, inspiring and being inspired, opening hearts, ultimate trust and ultimate intimacy.
All of a sudden another little parallel world grew up close at hand.
I started to go through many changes. One of them is Panda.
She's a dog.
I used to hate dogs from the bottom of my heart.
And I adore her almost from the first sight.
It was some week ago, when we took this morning frosty walk. She's the cutest dog person I've ever met, we get along really well.
We walked on the swamps in the park while they were still frozen. She was a bit scared at the time, but the rest of the walk she just waited patiently until I fix focus and decide about the angle.
And now the Winter is gone. I seriously plan not to see it next year.
I miss bikes so much.
My friend called me yesterday while she was walking our dog, that there is a truck wagon full of pigs on a parking lot in front of the crop silo near our house.
And she doesn't know what to do. I went there, then went back home, took a camera and went there again.
I took as many pictures as I could. I looked inside the wagon, where pigs were pretty crowded, but not as much as I could imagine. Some of them were scared, some just disturbed but most of them were just resigned. They even didn't have almost any injuries, just some of them I could see, had small scratches and bruisers.
The smell was terrible and I felt it on my jacket and my friend's scarf long after we went away from there, I could smell it when I hugged her tight just not to start crying.
I cried later. For long, painful minutes. I haven't cried for months, I realized that when tears just started to float, I was surprised how bad it feels. How much it hurts inside and how much lighter I feel after all. Although it hurts the same.
They had pale skin like some of humans. Every single one looked a bit different, like dogs of the same breed. They all had dark blue eyes. The same colour as humyn babies. I remember my brother, when he was little had the same dark, deep water blue eye colour before they turned a bit grey.
We talked to driver and asked him where do they come from. He was very polite and told us that they come from some farmer and now they go to slaughterhouse.
There were 180 pigs in the truck.
He drove away and we stood up there, in beautiful sun, in a clear air of lovely late Winter afternoon. I saw some pigs, hens and cows transports before.
I never felt so helpless.
Our dog, Panda makes funny sounds, because of which we call her "little pig".
Please, think about going vegan.
*
"When so many stay silent we have to scream even louder.
And scream even more so that someone will finally hear us.
When so many stay silent we have to scream even louder.
You are not alone, it all depends on you and me."
"Has it been a day or a week?
As my eyes begin to close
I am walking in my sleep
Living in a state in between
Do the signs begin to show
See the eyes fare in the dark
As they Glow
As they Glow
These dreams under my pillow
In the twilight of these white nights
these dreams under my pillow
In the twilight of these white nights
Of these white nights
Something is about to be born
There's a restlessness in me
Keeps me up until the dawn
There is no silence
I will keep following the sirens
There is no silence
I will keep following the sirens"
It makes me think about one of the beautiful days in end of last August, flow of warm air while I was riding a bike with speed of light downhill Warsaw streets and bridges and the feeling of something coming.
Now it's almost Spring, it looks like it came so rapidly I didn't manage to post my lovely frosted trees photos.
And now I feel like that.
Like I'm dreaming a dream from under my pillow. Like walking in my sleep. Like there's something amazing coming. Like there's no silence. Like I will just follow the call of my heart singing to me. I did it many times before and I think I've never honestly regret that.
I'm so sorry for all the friends who I've talked to recently, who are in trouble.
I feel I deserve this appreciation I finally receive after all this dark times of feeling useless and worthless. But this is so much love I'm not able to store.
So I give it away to anyone who need it. Suddenly so many of you need it and I'm happy I can at least be there for you.
I think I'm getting more and more hippie every day.
Especially since yesterday, when I finally learned to play and sing simultaneously "Blowing in the wind" from Dylan.
I remember when when I found out about polyamory, during one of the Warsaw's Hard Core festivals, on one of zine stalls I found a zine "Anarchy and Polyamory". Honestly I've never read it till the end, but I read other things.
I also took a look through my last ten years of being in relationships, monogamous relationships which somehow always made me unhappy. And the more I was reading about it, the more I was getting sure, how much it all refers to me.
A lot of time passed since then, I fell in love and fell out several times, but what most important I learned a lot about myself.
Except treating the fact of falling in love as something natural and not necessarily ending good (or as well bad), I learned to share and divide my emotions.
Last months taught me a lot more about this subject, I've never had to be so flexible and cautious in treating my heart with care, just not to let it break. I've been through so many different and rich relations like never before and now I feel like my heart's capacity of feelings extended just like my lungs and circulatory system competence extended after months of running.
I feel full of love. Again, but this time I don't feel anymore, that no one needs it. I just know how to manage it wisely.
And I keep on living my Northern life in small, funny town near big awesome city, I enjoy snowy, beautiful Winter, I'm more active that I expected I'd be.
The future will remain unwritten.
I started to write paper letters.
First I've noticed that I use extra expression "paper letter-mailbox address", because mailbox address means obviously e-mail.
Because I made stencils, which I decorated envelopes with.
Because of privacy of correspondence.
And because I believe that real words written on paper have greater power than even the most beautiful electronic letter. Just like the words written with your own handwriting could have some hidden meaning, deeper contents or because they just look beautiful.
That's what I still had thought some weeks ago, before I received some of the most beautiful emails in my life.
And before I couldn't read one, encrypted email which I was waiting for with my head in Winter clouds and my heart flying in frosty air over the grazing outside the town. I waited for one sunny day and regardless freezing cold I went to take pictures of those beautiful spaces I always watch outside the window on a train.
Of course, they turned out to be old, abandoned grasslands, completely useless in age of factory farming, but still so sad. Huge pieces of land cut into pieces with barb-wire fences, so easy to trespass for us and other smaller animals but completely closed and out of reach for the cattle.
I left and came back in few days, when snow fell down, to take pictures again. And again I thought of the countless years through countless beings were forced to live on those beautiful spaces with only one purpose.
Thank you, who consider being vegan, who take the effort to think about wider aspect of animal products consumption. I'm so glad I could help.
Thank also everyone who wrote me in last few weeks. I've never received so much.
I still wait for paper letters, some of emails I wish so much to have on paper as well. Some of the words are just so precious.
I heard this song for the first time in someone's car, being in travel, tired, a bit ill, homesick and lovesick. It appeared so absolutely beautiful on the back seat, while I was looking outside the window on forests ranging endless along the highway covered with pure snow, so surprising in this warm Winter. I felt a bit like I was inside some indie/pop music video.
It made me sad and sensitive, I didn't hear how stupid and shallow the lyrics are, but I was amazed by the music and the moment was really beautiful.
That was anyway some months ago, a lot happened in between, I met many new people, had another wonderful birthday, spend truly good time with my, and not only my family, made connections and collected ideas for future. I've also had hard time dealing with all of my "falling in love with wrong ones" severe cases, I turned one into pure friendship without going further into details, the others I managed to continue without suffering anymore, with a little, unexpected help, both into different directions.
Right now I feel more happy than ever before, even if somehow everything gets only more and more complicated.
Every little choice I make affects further choices.
We maybe have some common plans.
Me may have not.
We walked through countless streets of Warsaw and Hamburg, discovering new places and little details about our lives.
Perhaps that was only so meaningful for me, or maybe I just learned to find the meaning in everything I do. I enjoyed every moment, every joke, every argument, every discussion, every coffee and meal, all full of laugh and this warm impression, that everything is in order.
That I'm free, free from all irreconcilable problems, burdens and compromises, but also free to : go, to stay, to come back, to study, to travel, to work, to move out, to be on my own.
To put my energy into anything I find worth it.
I just would love to do it with you.
To travel to US and Canada, to hitchhike it through and all over, to visit all the places we consider interesting, to make friends, to get into trouble, to send letters to Europe, to speak German just for fun, and not to forget it.
I remain with all the feelings. They just float over the border of love and friendship, with ease, slightly, painless. They can just take required shape, if only it will make us more happy. The amounts remain. I'm not afraid, guilty, lost anymore. I just feel like I want to hear this lovely song without hearing these stupid lyrics someday else, elsewhere far, on someone else's backseat, burned with sun, the same tired.
I can do it alone.
I just think together it will be much more fun..
I'm the last person to be surprised how much fun it is to make presents with your own hands. But this place, in a little village somewhere in the north of Germany enchanted me completely. First with it's atmosphere, something between chilled out Sunday's morning coffee with flat-mates and feeling of being creatively busy, as in all well organized workshops. All put together in wonderful, warm space full of pottery in all stages of progress, clay dust and decorations.
Then with a friendly and warm welcome to work together and then with positive energy I carried with me long after I left.
I had this opportunity to make some not-so-perfect useful gifts in my friend's internship workshop. I can't wait to come back.
On the way, in one of the suburb buses I saw a bookshelf. Looks like a good idea to read something light on a way to work.
I can imagine myself in twenty years having this calm, slow life of fulfilled woman, somewhere in the wilds or deep suburbs of Europe, just having fun with work.
But still there's too much to do and
roads are too broad and tempting.
Whatever you say about Christmas, whether you love the sound of cheesy songs and bells and enjoy shopping, hate it because of pressure of tradition, family, culture and consumerism or treat it as some time in a year fixed for cooking, meeting and giving presents. Here people make Weihnachts markets and have truly fun out of it. Just because they can hang around outside, meet friends, eat something unhealthy and drink some spiced wine. In the meantime spend some money on useless gifts or sweets. I'm not saying it's something great. I just see relaxed people spending time elsewhere than in shopping-malls or in front of TV. I've seen it before in Summer and in Autumn, guess Germans also have their ways to deal with Winter.
By the way, despite amount of wasted electricity and supporting capitalism - that was awesome. I envy German children a bit.
