Dead swallows and the curse

Once upon a time, 1,5 months ago something beautiful happened to me. I took it brave, with the open heart and mind, just as joyful, as I described it the last time.
Just like I would carelessly forget, that nothing good can happen to me and stay by, just like the Summer could be just beautiful and amazing, instead of terrible and burning.

I was watching you as you walk through the parking lot thinking that it's the last time, when you come to visit me. You said, you're not sure. That you did not come with the intention to break up. And that you need to make a right decision, although both decisions are bad. But you need to make the difficult one. And that you're afraid, that you may regret it. And you don't want to get hurt. And you can't come back to that place in your heart, because it's closed now. But there's nothing I can do.

Like there would be ever anything I could do..
I quoted last time, that "maybe there will come a time, when love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears..." whatsoever. Oh, just for the record, not THIS time.

I wanted to write another post with another song and text from the album I got from you. That I leave the past behind and let it happen to me, and that it's always darkest before the dawn. It's also not valid anymore.

Just like other things we will never do. Like we'll not build the bike together for me, like we wanted to just to make a trip to the lake and take photos. Or we won't go to Warsaw and you won't meet my parents. Or we won't go skating and on the way to your place eat at the Kebab shop. And talk, joke and be closer than possible until the dawn, smoking cigarettes and drinking apple sparkling water. Or I will never watch you working on graphics on your computer. And you will never draw me one of your pictures and send me that as MMS just before I go to sleep, or leave it on my desk.
Magic carpet flew away, the gate to parallel dimension is closed. SMS and WhatsApp chat history deleted, just in case I would be tempted to read it again or listen to your voice to torment my poor heart. No hope, no chance, no doubts. That's how I'm doing now.

I'm cursed. I can never be happy again. But I guess the curse is also deadly for the other swallows. They just fall dead from the sky. I found two of them laying on the ground by our house.

I'm so sorry.

I hope you will be happy once.

Die Welt ist RosaRot. The world is pink-red.

I was supposed to write this post a week ago. And then a week before that. And actually one more week before that. Since one month my world has new colors. It was so easy to admit it, I came into my pink state so easily this time, that for three weeks in a row I was hardly sleeping, eating and comprehending the real world. My world went small and cozy, consisting of magic, pictures, heartbeats, never ending rivers of words, meanings and fresh Summer smells of blooming lindens, rain, meadows.

He appeared just like that, completely out of nowhere, although he was there all the time. I just started to feel the summer wind in my wings, the soothing breeze of complacency I was missing all the long Winter and Spring. That was maybe just my time, to forget how it hurts and start again. Again.
And after one long afternoon, evening, night and noon it was all clear. After this long time of denying myself any needs I was simply overflowed with almost anything I could dream of or miss.
Not that I need so much more than attention, care, tenderness, interest, sharing and time. And then a little bit of magic and poetry. Not that I wouldn't give it back gladly when I only have an opportunity.
And the opportunity of receiving and giving was so tempting, that I would be just crazy not to take it.

It would be trivial to say that he's someone special. With the other world closed between blue eyes, left hand and a awoken heart, with genuineness so sharp, that sometimes painful, tenderness so soft as I could only imagine and all the bright and dark secrets I've just started to discover. This whole new world awaiting to be discovered. And the unspoken promise of an amazing journey.
Let's see where it will lead us.. We're both excited about it.

But as it usually happens, everything valuable has it's price.
This time I was not the one, who had to pay it. I will pay mine, but much later.
Now it cost me the pain of the one, who grew so deep in my heart. But no matter how hard I try I can't think of any other solution.
This is the end of my polyamory tale, I leave it with a burden of guilty conscience but somewhat with a relieved heart.

And maybe.."there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears."

bonjour tristesse

So called "welcome sadness". Oh, yes, sadness is always welcome. Though I don't know who's constantly inviting her, it can't be me, right? I wouldn't make myself unhappy on demand. It must be some other wicked conspiracy, secretly plotted behind my back.
Right?..

I have a feeling that I don't have dark days anymore. My life has just turned darker, as if someone would adjust the picture brightness wrong.

I spent wonderful time with my parents and my "ex-but-still-love" during Easter break. I got the job I was waiting for, I work in a real kindergarten and I managed to find it on my own despite my poor language skills.
Oh, waitaminute. I have excellent language skills, they say. I speak perfect German (as for 1,5 year of learning), they say.
It's spring, finally after months of delay, sun shines through your hair and tickles your cheeks, enjoy it, they say.
You should be proud of yourself, they even say..
And he even comes to my room in the middle of the night to wake me up and say that he loves me. And then, yes, disappear. Not that I'm surprised, our definitions of love differ a lot from one another.

I'm already expecting a confirmed visit from 3 of my best friends. And we'll go to a concert to one of the most important bands in my life. And surely have a lot of fun. I'm so much looking forward to it.

I got two more invitations for a visit from friends in Germany, two others I could use constantly, and even some more in North and South of Europe. I wish I could visit all those people, who are important to me and who so heartily invite me in every letter or email. Maybe I could think of those visits on every Saturday evening I will spend alone in my room. Or every time when I leave my empty room on sunny Sunday morning to get some coffee and hear people having sex in almost all of the rooms in the flat.

It's not that I do nothing about it.

I keep myself busy as much as I can. I try to meet my dear friend from Hamburg, I guess the only person I have here, I can call and make a date with and then have a wonderful time on talking - on more or less serious topics, laughing, cooking, sewing, going to events and whatever else we please.
I try to not to think that I have no friends at all and my personal life is a complete mess.
I try not to feel so terribly lonely.

I try to learn how to enjoy the simplest of things from my dog. And to learn to enjoy more spending time together. We both like meadows.

I just wish that the good things could erase the bad, or at least if they all could melt into one even whole. Colorful and various but whole.

I feel I'm made from pieces, which don't necessarily fit together.

Trigger Happy

trig·ger-hap·py
adj. Slang
1. Having a tendency or desire to shoot a firearm before adequately identifying the target.
2. Inclined to react violently at the slightest provocation.

Not really funny how it fits me right now.*


Philip K. Dick

I'm not having the best moment in my life lately. I'm not even sure if I ever have really good moments, which lasts for longer than, literally, moments. And then, when everything seems to get better, always happens something bad, sad, stupid or even worse. I struggle constantly to convince myself, that I'm happy with my life, choices, emotions, relations, whatsoever. And every time I reach the level of defining this struggle as complete, something knocks me down to the ground so bad, that I can't even tell where the punch came from.
And then, sooner or later some warm spark lights up to bring me up again. It's fine, they say, that's normal, everyone have their ups and downs, don't they? Too bad that mine happen too frequent for me to bear, as well as these "downs" seems to be a bit deeper every time.

Today was one of my Worst Days of My Life. Not only that after one week of carrying a little spring bud of something sweet, what was supposed to maybe just begin to slowly grow, I was confronted with raw reality and punished for incurable naivety and breaking my own promise of not even trying to fall in love again. Well, "Easy come, easy go", they say. Actually about time, because I was just starting to feel too warm and soft.
That's not what's best for me.

There's also another saying. Fool me once - shame on you, fool me twice - shame on me. If it works with situations, not with particular persons I'm the Fool of the Year. I'm not even ashamed anymore.

Not only, because also today was supposed to be the 3rd anniversary of my relationship, the one that I believed in as the real and true, one I was trying to save from cold and drought. But the relationship is no more. It became clear to me as another punch.
Also today. K.O.

I found out that I have a broken heart. Nobody broke it, that was no violent act, it just broke by accident. Just like you fall from the stairs and brake your arm. No one's fault, except yours. Maybe next time you should be more careful.
The same with heart. I'm not careful and it brakes every now and then. But just like with a bone you brake time and time again, every next time hurts more and knits slower.

*The Almighty Trigger Happy is a Canadian band from my youth, I had their compilation on a tape and I truly loved the music. Never found out what the idiom actually means until now.
I was looking for a music for broken hearts today and I found them and one more band, Guns 'n' Wankers from UK. Both I was listening to, when I was a carefree teenager in the beginning of 2000s, full of dreams and hopes. Now only dreams are left. Better than nothing.

The sound quality from the video is comparable to the sound from my tape back then.
Nostalgic. Nice to know the lyrics and see how much they fit too.



(...)You don't get the picture
I have to level with you
Should have left it as it was

You thought the grass was greener
But your imagination lied
It was just a dream
And your dreams don't count
When the real world comes around(...)

Forget how much it hurts and try again.

Let's be honest.

I'm good at learning, I learn fast, especially languages. I have a great sense of my body, I enjoy it, know how to use and cooperate with it. I know it very well, which also helps me learn activities connected to sports with ease.
I'm very intelligent, 131 IQ, high over average. I'm reliable, good at planning, organizing and keeping promises. I'm good at situation analysis, anticipation, I have a great sense of social dynamics and strongly developed empathy and emotional sensibility. I'm a good listener and I'm often able to help people out with some heart/mind troubles. I like to make friends and I take good care of them when I feel, that we're close.
I'm also good at graphical arts, I write easily and with a good taste. I sing quite well and have a good ear for music. I cook really well, especially vegan.

I have dyscalculia.
I'm definitely not good in relationships.

I haven't been single for longer than few weeks since almost 13 years. For almost one year in open/polyamorous relationship.
Despite that, I never, or almost never felt really appealing, beautiful or interesting from the attractiveness point of view. Always or almost always felt average and wondering what do other girls have or do, what makes them so attractive, what I can never achieve.
Never counting on anything good and always expecting disasters.
And disasters come, smaller or bigger, more or less dramatic for me or others, sooner or later.
So this is how it's going to be, this, what just didn't work out, that all, what didn't work out.
I don't even try to think about this carefree, sweet, trustful and fond being together. Obviously that's not for me. Although I desire it so bad, I somehow feel, that relationships don't work with me. That if I don't understand myself so much, how could I ever expect from anyone to make this effort.
So no more expectations, no regrets, no assumptions, no plans, single bed, falling asleep to the music, rejoicing exceptions. Rejoicing my freedom as a lesser evil.

Endlessly coming to terms with feeling happy with myself, my activities, my work, my art and my inner conflicts.
Not needing anyone to make me complete.

Nevermind, that soon I will probably fall in love again, absolutely helpless, senseless and unreflective.

And I hope I don't have to explain, that it works the same way not only with love.
Also with activism. And challenges. And tattoos.

Desk deco

Some non-existing anymore picture I put on my desk. Not very practical, but pretty.

Stencil stickers

Some of the newest advertising stickers I made with the name of this blog and others, just for the fun of street art, sprayed on post office package stickers (but they don't stick very well outside).

Bunch of postcards 2011-2012

Some of collage works, mostly postcards from this and last year's Christmas, Summer travels and birthday gifts.

Spring 2012 pics

Some newer drawings from the time when I started to be unglücklich verliebt and decided to start a blackbook in order to have all my ready works in one place, not like before, flying around on small paper pieces.

It's not a real blackbook, because I'm not into graffiti, but just into street art.

Not that anyone would tell me what to do. Or that I would care.
Some more drawings on the way to get scanned.

Riot don't Diet Demonstration flyers

Those I made for Riot don't Diet demonstration we organized on 6th of May International No Diet Day and for baking party, where we made a lot of great vegan sweets to give away during the demonstration.

Art + the rest = a bit of fresh breeze

I weighed up the pros and cons of starting a new blog with other products of my free time, talent and creativity, but finally I decided to put everything here. First, it's not so much of it to fill the whole blog with it and second I wanted to avoid the pressure of posting, waiting for entries and all of this complications. So since now I post everything in categories, you can find them above. You will maybe get inspired or at least have some fun and I will not regret, that all my art stays hidden.
No regrets. Pure profit.


For the good beginning I post some of my older drawings.

Cosmetic bags

Those I made sometime in Spring, because I needed one for traveling since my old one turned out to be too small. But they were so easy and pleasant to sew, that I decided to make some more for presents.

On request all colors still available.
Price negotiable, write me for details.

Simple beltbag

I made this one, because I needed something small for wallet and cellphone. Not a masterpiece, but nice and really useful.
Soon I plan to sew some more for selling, but that's also another story.

Once upon a time in Hungary. Dry and sad.

Since we all agreed, that no one reads this blog anyway, the pressure to keep things in chronological order went down radically. I have to admit, that I was often cheating on calendar and putting posts in the right order just to keep the frequency of posts more or less even. But I don't care anymore.

Hungary I visited in the last days of August. I was still burned with Balkan sun but for couple of weeks I get a bit moisturized with humid North-German air and a lot of tears cried in the sake of one of my relationships in rearrangement phase.

I went to do some work, I was sure I will never fall in love again (or even back again) and determined. And of course ready to face all the scary stories about ugly, unfriendly, close minded, boring, exhausting Hungary.

And guess what. It is exactly like this: ugly, unfriendly, close minded, boring, exhausting. Not only the coincidences, I was there in, seeing animal abuse of one of the worst kinds in front of my eyes. Not only the annoying language, which makes me feel like I'd never like to learn it (which is pretty rare for me, I usually fall in love with every new language I meet and dream then for weeks about learning it, only to come back to learning German grammar, humiliated).
Not even the mood of "national pride" which you can feel on every corner, every newspaper, radio news, or even local specialties shop; the most disgusting type of nationalism, the one that grew so deep into the society, that is not even an issue anymore (I couldn't believe to hear about "the final solution of the Roma question" in the radio news, when I got it translated).
Not the ugly, dry, messy and unbelievable primitive rural landscape, boring Austro-Hungarian towns (including Budapest with a bit of post-soviet flow).
And at least, not the unfriendly people, not paying attention to anything, chaotic and somehow absent, even when it comes to their own businesses.
Or, actually, all of those things together. I may be prejudiced, I don't like from definition an atmosphere of national meat eating with a mission from the catholic god if you know what I mean. And I believe there are probably a lot of lovely places and wonderful people in Hungary. I'm just pretty sure, that I'm not going to look for them.
Last year in Hungary there was a drought, a real natural disaster which destroyed huge amount of crops and threatened the food industry. I saw it, creepy, endless fields of dead corn and sunflowers.
Maybe a catholic god got a little revenge upon all the nationalist to keep them busy with food crisis and pull them away from the "Roma question" for a moment.