9 February 2013

Forget how much it hurts and try again.

Let's be honest.

I'm good at learning, I learn fast, especially languages. I have a great sense of my body, I enjoy it, know how to use and cooperate with it. I know it very well, which also helps me learn activities connected to sports with ease.
I'm very intelligent, 131 IQ, high over average. I'm reliable, good at planning, organizing and keeping promises. I'm good at situation analysis, anticipation, I have a great sense of social dynamics and strongly developed empathy and emotional sensibility. I'm a good listener and I'm often able to help people out with some heart/mind troubles. I like to make friends and I take good care of them when I feel, that we're close.
I'm also good at graphical arts, I write easily and with a good taste. I sing quite well and have a good ear for music. I cook really well, especially vegan.

I have dyscalculia.
I'm definitely not good in relationships.

I haven't been single for longer than few weeks since almost 13 years. For almost one year in open/polyamorous relationship.
Despite that, I never, or almost never felt really appealing, beautiful or interesting from the attractiveness point of view. Always or almost always felt average and wondering what do other girls have or do, what makes them so attractive, what I can never achieve.
Never counting on anything good and always expecting disasters.
And disasters come, smaller or bigger, more or less dramatic for me or others, sooner or later.
So this is how it's going to be, this, what just didn't work out, that all, what didn't work out.
I don't even try to think about this carefree, sweet, trustful and fond being together. Obviously that's not for me. Although I desire it so bad, I somehow feel, that relationships don't work with me. That if I don't understand myself so much, how could I ever expect from anyone to make this effort.
So no more expectations, no regrets, no assumptions, no plans, single bed, falling asleep to the music, rejoicing exceptions. Rejoicing my freedom as a lesser evil.

Endlessly coming to terms with feeling happy with myself, my activities, my work, my art and my inner conflicts.
Not needing anyone to make me complete.

Nevermind, that soon I will probably fall in love again, absolutely helpless, senseless and unreflective.

And I hope I don't have to explain, that it works the same way not only with love.
Also with activism. And challenges. And tattoos.


  1. dawno tu nie byłam! musiałam sobie sprawdzić ta chorobe z linka bo się przestraszyłam! ściskam i oby dozo niebawem :)

  2. Dziękówki za śledzenie <3 troszkę cieplej na sercu. Całuję i ściskam też!