Unbelievable how inspiring are heartbreaks. I've always loved all those exaggerated, dramatic, poetic lyrics about love, loneliness, break-ups and sorrow, even when they came from cheesy indie or pop-punk bands.
All those metaphors about dying, bleeding, shooting, waiting, leaving and letting go, breaking of hearts, souls, lives and minds, where things are never, forever, always, too late.
First, as a teenager I thought "well, that probably happens, when you find a love of your life and it collapses, like, once in your life".
But as the time went by, I've noticed, that all my love stories are the same way dramatic and I could use the same words to describe it.
I mean all of them. And I had to wonder if artists who wrote those songs are a special kind of people, who extraordinary tend to endure emotional sickness or experience enchantment and passion towards beauty and love and have to express it by writing, music or other art? I guess there are plenty of people, who don't experience those complex emotions and suffering/passion and live emotionally calm lives, never really sad but maybe also never really happy.
But long before that I thought about it, I also started to write, like it was the most natural need. Like an automatic reaction to get over emotions and feelings. I had to write down the pain and the beauty which was overflowing in me.
But for a long, long years I thought that how I see the world, with all those extremes is just a normal way of dealing with stuff and can't be any different.
But maybe those kind of people get into all those troubles, because they can't deal with life properly and can't build healthy relationships, that's why happen all those sad things they later write about. And as a positive aspect: they can find beauty there, where others don't see it. In the end even the worst nightmare can be beautiful and touching when you describe it with passion.
I believe that for those like them relationships have to be extreme emotional, otherwise it's just not worth it, even though it usually ends up in pain and tears on the knees.
Not because they're so unlucky, but because they can't make it right without hurting themselves and others, getting dependent or distanced, lost and confused or ruthless and cruel.
For those like them love is also a million colours, smells and sounds, words and whispers which have have a meaning so deep, that you can feel them on your skin and emotions, which fill every landscape, street and weather.
Music you love gives it a breath-taking flavour and pace and connecting all those sensations together make the heart beat faster.
For those like them the mid-state is just a phase between one amazement and another heartache. Or both at the same time if you wish, nothing is impossible, heart is endlessly capable, isn't it?
And in the end how would it be possible to survive the darkness, when you wouldn't be able to see all this amazing beauty and then make art about it all!
For those like them. For those like me..
Last months I went through hell of dying relationship, the hardest one I've ever been to. We loved and abandoned, hurt and soothed, promised to and let down each other so many times, that it eventually burned down to the ground, until there was nothing left, just cinders and rain.
I also went through the break-up post traumatic syndrome with all possible features. From broken, bleeding heart, burning jealousy and pain so hard that I couldn't breathe, lack of sleep and eat, falling down to my knees crying for relief through never ending nights of talks and days of silence, until the final blow, breakthrough and relief.
I know that it's not over yet, but I'm rebounding.
I write this all sitting on the bus going through whole germany to visit one of the best friends I've ever had in my life.
And at the most beautiful sunrise I rush through the most beautiful landscapes full of wonders of European early Winter, the sights, frost, clouds and fields, until the sunset of this one short Winter day.
And the music comes with me.
And I know, I need to leave this past, the same way as I left other pasts behind me, both good and bad, one after another.
I have to put myself together again, but it won't be the same me as before. Some things died in me on the way, too fragile to keep them alive.
This song I found in your room and it enchanted me. You wanted to keep it for yourself, but it was too late. I stole it and I'll love it as all the beautiful songs that gave me strength. as something I reclaimed back from you. "This place I go, the land I see for miles" is somewhere where I'm heading to. I plan to be happy there.
Again.
.........................................
Dark Dark Dark – Daydreaming
Think of a place I would go,
I’m daydreamin’,
Where the sycamore grow,
I’m daydreamin’,
And oh if you knew what it meant to me,
Where the air was so clear,
Oh if you knew what it meant to me,
Anywhere but here.
Oh now look to the east,
Great mountains remember me,
Oh I wound around you for miles,
I sat down right there and stretched my bones.
And oh if you knew what it meant to me,
Oh if you knew what it meant to me,
Oh if you knew what it meant to me,
You would see, too.
Oh the unspeakable things,
It’s land I can see for miles,
With only the wind whispering,
Land I can see for miles,
With only the wind whispering,
Oh land I can see for miles,
With only the wind whispering,
Oh I’d run as fast as I can
Land I can see for miles
Oh I’m searching,
With only the wind whispering,
Oh if you knew what it meant to me,
Oh if you knew what it meant to me,
Oh if you knew what it meant to me,
You would see, too.
Oh the unspeakable things,
Oh the unspeakable things,
Oh the unspeakable things,
Oh the unspeakable things.
