23 May 2012

It's always so bitter-sweet

Sometimes I feel like I could easily make a movie about my life. Or really cool music video to one of my favourite songs. Sometimes in this bright moments I feel like having just heart and soul and everything is just freedom. And art.

Like me, sitting on a roof of a house project on early Summer day, in all those clothes and hairdo, swallows squeaking over my head, writing a blog on netbook covered with politically involved stickers, waiting for the rain.
Me, jogging through perfect green fields outside the town.
Me, on a easter-European train, reading a book about anarchist revolution which can and will happen only in our heads, dripping with cool quotes.
Me, helping with painting a graffiti with friends and one of my love.
Sun in the hair of one of my love, while we hitchhike, on the side of the road somewhere, hugging and laughing.

But then, sometimes it feels like it didn't even matter. When nothing makes sense and like the horizon would flip upside down and suddenly everyone, including me, would look at my life from different perspective.

Like I could as well say just now: "How much I will miss you one day, boy. In explosion of youth and ideas, you remain calm, but lost anyway, with deep consideration of your best interest, however far from my steps they pave your path." In one of this days I found this song, astonished how it fits me and tells the dark side of the story with all the scary details.
The dark side of freedom and independence. This, what I always hide on the bottom of the backpack.

One of my best friends told me "It would be wonderful to always have someone around who does things just because of you. But then I thought, that I care more about people, who fulfill themselves, and I suffocate in a situation, when someone does something only because of me. That this is weird and I don't really want it. That this can't be healthy for this person and I prefer that s(h)e knows, understands and fulfills him/herself. And then I could love her/him unconditionally and freely. This is also what polyamory is for me. Giving freedom to myself. Not binding forever, but bravely opening your heart and abilities."

I couldn't disagree. Although it hurts sometimes so much. And despite how much I long for home sometimes. And how I feel that I lost or my way, or direction.

"Ghost Towns"

I've got no need for open roads
'Cause all I own fits on my back
I see the world from rusted trains
And always know I won't be back

'Cause all my life is wrapped up in today
No past or future here
If I find my name's no good
I just fall out of line

But I miss you
But there's comin' home
There's no comin' home
With a name like mine
I still think of you
But everyone knows
Yeah everyone knows
If you can, let it go

I seen more places than I can name
And over time they all start to look the same
But it ain't that truth we chase
No, it's the promise of a better place

But all this time, I been chasin' down a lie
And I know it for what it is
But it beats the alternatives
So I'll take the lie

I still miss you
There's no goin' home
There's no goin' home
With a name like mine
I still dream of you
But everyone knows
Yeah everyone knows
If you can, let it go

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