2 December 2012


I discovered this song on the album I knew for some time.

I listened to it on one awful, dark, cold, windy, rainy and terribly sad day, one of these days when you wake up after a nightmare and still feel its mood, but then you realize it was something real, this terrible thing that happened.
One bad, shameful mistake of undermining trust. And then hastily a punishment in discovering something I didn't have to know. Painful, earned.
In the time of few hours I skipped from the depths of sorrow to the relieving point of clearness and peace.

And that's one more story.

There is another, of writing a fairytale about the sad Boy and a Swallow and giving it as a birthday present. That's how it began. While the process of writing and struggling with myself to finish it, it rinsed my mind from all the rests of dark, painful thoughts better than diving in any lake, river and sea I dived before with eyes open.
I was myself again, the way I wanted for so long, free from needing, wanting, demanding, expecting, waiting, anxiety, longing and suffering. But in exchange promising to carry on as a unconditional support, never ending and unchanged. Because my feelings couldn't change anyway, and it would be such a waste to let them go. And because I couldn't come to terms with the concept, that this is not worth it.
As calm as never before I accepted anything what's given to me, appreciated the single moments in all their beauty and accepted the challenge of common responsibility, unexpected proposal to work together and sacrifice my time and energy for next two years.
Expecting nothing I discovered how things developed unexpectedly.
That by giving freedom to both of us I received trust, respect towards my needs, openness and a will to build up something from what we had in the reach of our hands.
Our own codex.
I wouldn't believe if I wouldn't seen what came out of it. And it was worth it.

Still we learn, take small, careful steps, sometimes back and forth. We have no destination and no goal. Just to let it be.
Nothing would picture my current state of mind better than this song and these lyrics.
Maybe except yesterdays snow, the first one this year, I didn't manage to take picture of and caught the melting rests today morning. And the evening attached to the snow.
But that's again another story.

Sleight of hand,
Jump off the end.
Into a clear lake,
No one around.

Just dragonflies,
Flying to the side.
No one gets hurt,
You've done nothing wrong.

Slide your hand,
Jump off the end.
The water's clear and innocent.
The water's clear and innocent.

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