Once upon a time in Hungary. Dry and sad.

Since we all agreed, that no one reads this blog anyway, the pressure to keep things in chronological order went down radically. I have to admit, that I was often cheating on calendar and putting posts in the right order just to keep the frequency of posts more or less even. But I don't care anymore.

Hungary I visited in the last days of August. I was still burned with Balkan sun but for couple of weeks I get a bit moisturized with humid North-German air and a lot of tears cried in the sake of one of my relationships in rearrangement phase.

I went to do some work, I was sure I will never fall in love again (or even back again) and determined. And of course ready to face all the scary stories about ugly, unfriendly, close minded, boring, exhausting Hungary.

And guess what. It is exactly like this: ugly, unfriendly, close minded, boring, exhausting. Not only the coincidences, I was there in, seeing animal abuse of one of the worst kinds in front of my eyes. Not only the annoying language, which makes me feel like I'd never like to learn it (which is pretty rare for me, I usually fall in love with every new language I meet and dream then for weeks about learning it, only to come back to learning German grammar, humiliated).
Not even the mood of "national pride" which you can feel on every corner, every newspaper, radio news, or even local specialties shop; the most disgusting type of nationalism, the one that grew so deep into the society, that is not even an issue anymore (I couldn't believe to hear about "the final solution of the Roma question" in the radio news, when I got it translated).
Not the ugly, dry, messy and unbelievable primitive rural landscape, boring Austro-Hungarian towns (including Budapest with a bit of post-soviet flow).
And at least, not the unfriendly people, not paying attention to anything, chaotic and somehow absent, even when it comes to their own businesses.
Or, actually, all of those things together. I may be prejudiced, I don't like from definition an atmosphere of national meat eating with a mission from the catholic god if you know what I mean. And I believe there are probably a lot of lovely places and wonderful people in Hungary. I'm just pretty sure, that I'm not going to look for them.
Last year in Hungary there was a drought, a real natural disaster which destroyed huge amount of crops and threatened the food industry. I saw it, creepy, endless fields of dead corn and sunflowers.
Maybe a catholic god got a little revenge upon all the nationalist to keep them busy with food crisis and pull them away from the "Roma question" for a moment.

"What else is there?"

I looked up in stats recently to discover that almost no one reads this blog.
It's almost 1,5 year I'm writing it quite regularly and I know it always takes time to get a certain amount of readers, be linked and so on. But come on. I knew from the beginning, that I write it more for the people I know, who can just look up the pictures from my travels, or even for myself but still.. come on. I even started to put titles of popular songs in post titles, because I've noticed that it pays (One day we'll be old post broke the record of entries with 90 ! No illusions, that even 10% read it untill the end).

Then I thought it's probably pretty boring for people to read some personal stories with grammar mistakes and not-so-well pictures instead of another socio-political-situation-analysis-with a lot of funny swearwords-feminist-blog.
Well, selbstverständlich, I can use some funny long, misterious German words instead.
Let's say I keep on treating it as some kind of a diary. But one thing keeps me anxious, since the time I once read it in some article. If one day the whole Internet will cease to exist, there will be literally no trace left after our civilization. No one will ever know what kind of worries, joys and every day life we had, what kind of people we were, because all that is remaining will be gone forever in some electronic mist. Yes, there are still books, even I own some and I know, that people still buy and read them. But that's not the same as personal stories!

Following this sad thoughts path I came to the conclusion, that the only hope lays in zines. Those are almost extincted as well, but again, I know people who buy them and make them. I also planned to make a blog with my artworks, maybe connecting this two ideas could be a good point to put it on the top of my New Year's "to-do" list.

Let's see what comes. As a entertainment I serve you one of the most beautiful songs and most inspiring videos if my life. Don't forget to get inspired!

ROYKSOPP - WHAT ELSE IS THERE from martin de thurah on Vimeo.

Promises not kept. I miss you Winter.

Once I said I'm not going to see Winter this year. Well, nothing stays the same, and even though I'm always afraid of the changes, they come and leave me with something completely different. So ist das Leben.
I miss Winter so much, that I was more than happy in this few weeks of frost and snow in December, together with beautiful time I spent at home these days. It's obviously long gone here, between two seas, but I managed to take some lovely, cheesy pictures of snow wonders.

Warsaw Sprinter. There is a light that never goes out.

This song opened the year 2013 for me in one of the Warsaw's cafes and found me unexpectedly in few other situations in last days. I absolutely adore it, it makes me sad and happy at the same time.

After heavy frosts came a thaw, melted all the snow and turned Winter into Spring. Sprinter.
Then came a heavy flue and destroyed my X-mas holidays plans in Warsaw.
I managed anyway to rejoice as much as possible the time I was given.
Through family meetings, meeting the past, celebrating birthday, polyamory meanders I walked into the new year. I wish, it will be easier for all of us, although I wouldn't do a thing any other way. Or maybe just a few things. I'm so happy with this complicated life free from worries but full of emotional challenges.
I wish you all the same.
No regrets.

Focus.

Guess it went a bit personal lately. For anyone, who feels bored or disappointed, I'm terribly sorry.
I guess this blog will change the focus a bit.
The time of bigger or smaller travels every one and the half month is over, the whirl is gone or at least slowed down a lot. And although I plan some travels in following months, either I know where I will go, or plans are too fragile to talk about them yet. I'm having a good time not moving too much and finding second, third or fourth bottoms of things I already know.

I also work more than for many months before and I find taking pictures too much of and effort. But I miss it and here it is.
I thought about and imagined these pictures before I took them. For the first time not just shooting what comes in front of me, but really wanting to do it and looking forward to how it will look like.

Let's give us a little X-mas flow. This year I spend it with all the most important people. And the two, who are important yet another way. Let's see what comes out of it. Anyway December is full of warm, cozy evenings covered with snow, making presents, making plans, working and playing snowballs with Elba.

We move on different orbits, getting closer and further, but always in sight. So many things without a name gained their description, and yet so many remain unnamed. I shake off the rests of shame from writing about themes I didn't dare to think of. Emotions, sensations and conclusions.
One of my best friends said that I've changed. That could be possible.

I still look into horizon. But the irresistible need to rush forward it is somehow gone. Even the pictures I take lately are a proof. I find it so much more fun to take them with 50mm fixed lens, where I have to include the details of the single sequence. The time of here and now.

Codex

I discovered this song on the album I knew for some time.

I listened to it on one awful, dark, cold, windy, rainy and terribly sad day, one of these days when you wake up after a nightmare and still feel its mood, but then you realize it was something real, this terrible thing that happened.
One bad, shameful mistake of undermining trust. And then hastily a punishment in discovering something I didn't have to know. Painful, earned.
In the time of few hours I skipped from the depths of sorrow to the relieving point of clearness and peace.

And that's one more story.

There is another, of writing a fairytale about the sad Boy and a Swallow and giving it as a birthday present. That's how it began. While the process of writing and struggling with myself to finish it, it rinsed my mind from all the rests of dark, painful thoughts better than diving in any lake, river and sea I dived before with eyes open.
I was myself again, the way I wanted for so long, free from needing, wanting, demanding, expecting, waiting, anxiety, longing and suffering. But in exchange promising to carry on as a unconditional support, never ending and unchanged. Because my feelings couldn't change anyway, and it would be such a waste to let them go. And because I couldn't come to terms with the concept, that this is not worth it.
As calm as never before I accepted anything what's given to me, appreciated the single moments in all their beauty and accepted the challenge of common responsibility, unexpected proposal to work together and sacrifice my time and energy for next two years.
Expecting nothing I discovered how things developed unexpectedly.
That by giving freedom to both of us I received trust, respect towards my needs, openness and a will to build up something from what we had in the reach of our hands.
Our own codex.
I wouldn't believe if I wouldn't seen what came out of it. And it was worth it.

Still we learn, take small, careful steps, sometimes back and forth. We have no destination and no goal. Just to let it be.
Nothing would picture my current state of mind better than this song and these lyrics.
Maybe except yesterdays snow, the first one this year, I didn't manage to take picture of and caught the melting rests today morning. And the evening attached to the snow.
But that's again another story.

***
Sleight of hand,
Jump off the end.
Into a clear lake,
No one around.

Just dragonflies,
Flying to the side.
No one gets hurt,
You've done nothing wrong.

Slide your hand,
Jump off the end.
The water's clear and innocent.
The water's clear and innocent.
***

Elba the dog.

Elba is one of my latest stories. I never thought I would have a dog. I would never even expect, that I would want to have one. Or even ever like one.
But during the last year once sown seed has been growing and resulted with me searching through hundreds of sad dog stories on adoption websites, dozens of articles about dog behavior and two visits in animal shelter.

Finally I adopted Elba.
I was really stressed and unhappy in the beginning, even though I tried to prepare myself for that, it was so much different from taking care of the cats, even the most messy, annoying, difficult, stupid or weird cat personalities I've ever been in contact with. But no matter how bad I'd wish to, I can't take care of a cat at the moment. And maybe for some more years, maybe never again.
I'm still working on our friendship. So much to learn, but we're both patient.
And I still feel like taking Elba from the shelter I did more for her than for me.
I hope she's happier with me.

Szczecin always on the way.

I was gone for almost three months, and in this time so much has happened, that I can't decide where to start. I also unfortunately haven't taken many pictures, although I'll try to catch up a bit with stories. I have a lot of them.
Autumn went by so fast and somehow I didn't manage to take lovely colorfull pictures again. Autumn is always too short.

Most of the times I travel from Germany to Poland I change the trains in Szczecin. I've been there outside the train station only twice and from both times I have lovely memories. It's a really wonderful place, a bit boring, but you can find great initiatives active there.
I was moving from North to West and back several times during this months, almost every time visiting Szczecin. Never longer than for 2 hours.
Not even once leaving the train station.

The Big Balkan Trip. Croatia

Through Croatia we planned to rush through without stopping. The expected amounts of tourists and for this purpose prepared prices were scaring us off more than effectively.
We were extremely tired, a bit disappointed with speed of traveling and our hitch-hike luck reserve looked like draining.
But on the ride to Zagreb we received a message from a traveling couple of friends, which we're about to meet "somewhere in Balkans". They were asking if maybe we're somewhere around Zagreb, so we could meet there.
So we stayed on one of most inhospitable squat I've ever seen, walked through totally not interesting, average Austria-Hungarian city, but had a lovely time with friends.

Sorry Zagreb, you won't steal my heart.

But on the way there our driver shared with us his anti-system, life-reclaiming sustainable farming plans and showed us one of the beautiful places on my heart map.
A little town near Zagreb, little, warm and clear river with small waterfalls and deep ponds made out of limestones. Half an hour of swimming and jumping and one lost ear flesh-tunnel, but I'll remember it forever.

The travel back was just a chain of ridiculous long waiting near Linz, AU (9 hours with a sore throat and slight fever spent on a gas station), nice or annoying people and endless Deutsche Bahn ride in regional trains.

Even after few days I was waking up with a feeling, that I have to plan the way for today, forgetting I'm back home.

But Balkans rule. Not so surprising because of the knowledge I already had but charming, involving and totally my cup of tea.

The Big Balkan Trip. Bosnia and Hercegovina

Bosnia and Hercegovina was one of our brightest points.
Arriving to Sarajevo at 4 am, spent 2 days of walking and enjoying, even finding city tour for free with the oddest guide one can imagine. I loved the mood of big city, where you can get lost, city center full of little shops, atmosphere of multi-cultural tolerating each other, but without too much of enthusiasm between Muslims, Orthodox and Catholics. You could still feel the shadow of war and siege, which become somehow one of the tourist attractions. But the city is full of life, colorful in the center and Yugo-grey everywhere else around and friendly.

Lovely summer evenings, creepy Sarejevo roses, an amazing contemporary art museum, endless searching for a džezva, nice Couch Surfing meeting, lots of krompiruša.
And the greatest stolen ride on a tram in history. Controllers were very polite and tried to suggest us bribing, but then if it didn't work out, tried to convince us that we won't be able to leave the country on the border if we don't pay.

Later on Mostar, jumping into cold as hell Neretva and then dreaming of jumping there from The Bridge. Mostar, when it comes to buildings from before the war, has wonderful town center, by courtesy of UNESCO. Some other buildings are renewed by courtesy of private or half private Muslim money. The rest is almost debris.
But when you look between the tourists, local people try to live their own, normal life. Like everywhere after the war.

The border officer didn't even took our passports in her hand. Looks like Bosnian computer system anti-public transport thefts has some defects.