Bella Italia. Firenza !

In the end of the Italian trip we stopped in Florence for one afternoon. The plan was to find some vegetarian restaurant, which someone recommended to one of us and to eat there before long night train ride back to München.
I personally wanted just to eat pizza.
I already tried Italian coffee, feast, hospitality. It was about time for pizza.

End in end after 1,5 hour wandering around we stopped just anywhere (to my delight) and ordered damned good one. Nevermind it tasted just the same as any pizza you can eat around whole Germany (including the North Sea) in any random Italian restaurant.
This one was Italian. And of course Vegan.

And the city! Despite amounts of tourists, calm, beautiful, vibrant.
For the first time in my life I saw so many motor scooters.

I also realized that Florence is one of the favourite cities of Hannibal Lecter. And it was the Florence's tower from where he threw Rinaldo Pazzi.
I haven't seen the tower, but I realized suddenly how lucky I am to be free to travel and surprisingly see places I've never dreamed of seeing. Like this city and whole Toscania, about which I read in a book when I was 15 and only imagined how beautiful it must be to satisfy Lecter's sophisticated taste.

After this short time and some talks with Italian friend I promised myself to come back and take a better look around.

Or fill the plan B: move to a one of the Italian squats and live out of dumpster-diving and join dozens of street artists selling self drawn postcards to tourists.
I plan to remain this free.

Bella Italia. Isola d'Elba

Liebesfest. Lovefest. People from around the world meeting in one place to celebrate my friends' happiness. Because weddings are overrated, just like marriage.

With the weight of worries from last two months, all piled up emotions, exhaustion, stress and a clear plan to just rest I came to Elba.

What I found, outgrew all the expectations.

The weather mild, perfect combination of temperature, rain and sun, nature of the island full of sights and smells creating a cloud of a dream.
The sea so gentle, salty and calm, making skin soft, soaking into hair and cooling down.
Amazing food, the simplest and most delicious vegan dishes I've eaten since ages.

The feeling of being surrounded by friends, those I love, those I feel good with and the new ones, I met here, because they just came for the same reason. To celebrate, to rest, to share, to have fun. But at the same time I was completely on my own, just sitting next to people I felt good with, spending time and exchanging what we wanted to exchange at the moment. Talk, language lesson, building a kite, Grinberg massage, cooking, or even just reading together. Just sitting in sun on three chairs with three books.

I was never so deep in connection with myself as then. I let the disordered thoughts and feelings float through me without stopping them, without thinking and feeling them. For all the 7 days I didn't figure out even one simple solution, idea or attitude. That came after, in the train, on a way back home.
But I was myself, no more, no less, just my body and mind, independent from anything and anyone, free from relationships, love, sex, responsibilities, ideas.

Swimming in the sea and sleeping topless on the beach.

Never so much in one piece, so quiet and confident. I came back with this feeling and clang this in all the bad moments which came after.
I remind myself this state every time I feel like I'm falling apart.

I imagine myself swimming in the sea, so salty and quiet. In one perfect piece.

It's always so bitter-sweet

Sometimes I feel like I could easily make a movie about my life. Or really cool music video to one of my favourite songs. Sometimes in this bright moments I feel like having just heart and soul and everything is just freedom. And art.

Like me, sitting on a roof of a house project on early Summer day, in all those clothes and hairdo, swallows squeaking over my head, writing a blog on netbook covered with politically involved stickers, waiting for the rain.
Me, jogging through perfect green fields outside the town.
Me, on a easter-European train, reading a book about anarchist revolution which can and will happen only in our heads, dripping with cool quotes.
Me, helping with painting a graffiti with friends and one of my love.
Sun in the hair of one of my love, while we hitchhike, on the side of the road somewhere, hugging and laughing.

But then, sometimes it feels like it didn't even matter. When nothing makes sense and like the horizon would flip upside down and suddenly everyone, including me, would look at my life from different perspective.

Like I could as well say just now: "How much I will miss you one day, boy. In explosion of youth and ideas, you remain calm, but lost anyway, with deep consideration of your best interest, however far from my steps they pave your path." In one of this days I found this song, astonished how it fits me and tells the dark side of the story with all the scary details.
The dark side of freedom and independence. This, what I always hide on the bottom of the backpack.

One of my best friends told me "It would be wonderful to always have someone around who does things just because of you. But then I thought, that I care more about people, who fulfill themselves, and I suffocate in a situation, when someone does something only because of me. That this is weird and I don't really want it. That this can't be healthy for this person and I prefer that s(h)e knows, understands and fulfills him/herself. And then I could love her/him unconditionally and freely. This is also what polyamory is for me. Giving freedom to myself. Not binding forever, but bravely opening your heart and abilities."

I couldn't disagree. Although it hurts sometimes so much. And despite how much I long for home sometimes. And how I feel that I lost or my way, or direction.



"Ghost Towns"

I've got no need for open roads
'Cause all I own fits on my back
I see the world from rusted trains
And always know I won't be back

'Cause all my life is wrapped up in today
No past or future here
If I find my name's no good
I just fall out of line

But I miss you
But there's comin' home
There's no comin' home
With a name like mine
I still think of you
But everyone knows
Yeah everyone knows
If you can, let it go

I seen more places than I can name
And over time they all start to look the same
But it ain't that truth we chase
No, it's the promise of a better place

But all this time, I been chasin' down a lie
And I know it for what it is
But it beats the alternatives
So I'll take the lie

I still miss you
There's no goin' home
There's no goin' home
With a name like mine
I still dream of you
But everyone knows
Yeah everyone knows
If you can, let it go

Wild East : Київ - Львів

One of the saddest and unexpected places. How hot and exhausting it all was, first the hitch-hiking just to get close to the Polish - Ukrainian border, then bloody expensive train station food shopping and crazy journey in amazing huge, cheap night train, as dark and unfamiliar, as tired and lost we were.
By the good-night snack I learned to read cyrillic-alphabet on a train ticket.

Sleep came with ease, in the morning everything looked so much better, brighter and easier. The tea was served by ticket inspector in old-school glasses with handles that my grandmother used to use until middle '90s.

In Kiev sun and heat punched us to the ground, we got covered with gray dust and so it was about to stay for next couple of days.


We had so wonderful time, I was head over heels in love, felt this powerful tiny threads between us, old and new friends, all other people, through easier and heavier moments.


But Ukraine, you're so sad, gray place covered with dust.
With dirty, crowded streets in the city and collapsing houses on villages, omnipresent stray dogs, little yellow suburban buses, Orthodox churches dripping with gold.

Vegan ice cream and vegan mayonnaise. Both on a religious ground.

Berlin - family style. Nie genug.

So finally it happened, first my little brother and then my parents came to visit me in my new home.
Week after week. First Berlin, than Hamburg. Then again Berlin. And Hamburg.

There was also endless waiting for a ride to Berlin to see my love for just few hours.

And lovely evening just with myself, Tempelhoff, drawing, reading and meeting a very special cat in my friends' flat, one of the most amazing places, where I feel safe as almost anywhere else.
So similar sightseeing routes, many same places, but all together so totally different when it comes to ways of spending time.
Unbelievable amount of surprises.

From snow on 10th of April and my a little bit introvert brother feeling like at home in foreign place among foreign people and speaking with them foreign language, cooking with me on the squat or hanging out in alternative art centre.

To my parents' impressions of Berlin, Hamburg, North See, Germany, my polyamorous relationship and dumpster diving.

I'm happy to have this family, however trivial it sounds.

And you know what? From April to the end of June there is a restricted area on Tepelhoff, a square around 200x500 m.
It says "Skylark breeds here. Please do not disturb".
On the windy airport I managed to hear them singing.

integration

How much more there is than tight definitions of friendship and love.
I finally dropped all the definitions some weeks ago.
I don't believe in them anymore. Not at all. They are not for me. I try to show with my deeds, how to deal with this lack.
I think I'm doing pretty well.
With German hip hop I somehow started to like, tobacco smoke I somehow stopped to be annoyed with, scent of spray paint, lots of alcohol-free beer, art-work moods, never-ending trouble-talks, night sandwich toasting, learning, inspiring and being inspired, opening hearts, ultimate trust and ultimate intimacy.
All of a sudden another little parallel world grew up close at hand.

We do our best.

Bye, Winter, see you never again.

I started to go through many changes. One of them is Panda.
She's a dog.
I used to hate dogs from the bottom of my heart.
And I adore her almost from the first sight.
It was some week ago, when we took this morning frosty walk. She's the cutest dog person I've ever met, we get along really well.
We walked on the swamps in the park while they were still frozen. She was a bit scared at the time, but the rest of the walk she just waited patiently until I fix focus and decide about the angle.

And now the Winter is gone. I seriously plan not to see it next year.
I miss bikes so much.

Wenn so viele schweigen, müssen wir noch lauter schreien ... *

"Wenn so viele schweigen, müssen wir noch lauter schreien
Und noch mehr schreien, damit uns trotzdem jemand hört
Wenn so viele schweigen, müssen wir noch lauter schreien
Du bist nicht allein, es liegt jetzt nur an Dir und mir"

My friend called me yesterday while she was walking our dog, that there is a truck wagon full of pigs on a parking lot in front of the crop silo near our house.
And she doesn't know what to do. I went there, then went back home, took a camera and went there again.
I took as many pictures as I could. I looked inside the wagon, where pigs were pretty crowded, but not as much as I could imagine. Some of them were scared, some just disturbed but most of them were just resigned. They even didn't have almost any injuries, just some of them I could see, had small scratches and bruisers.
The smell was terrible and I felt it on my jacket and my friend's scarf long after we went away from there, I could smell it when I hugged her tight just not to start crying.
I cried later. For long, painful minutes. I haven't cried for months, I realized that when tears just started to float, I was surprised how bad it feels. How much it hurts inside and how much lighter I feel after all. Although it hurts the same.

They had pale skin like some of humans. Every single one looked a bit different, like dogs of the same breed. They all had dark blue eyes. The same colour as humyn babies. I remember my brother, when he was little had the same dark, deep water blue eye colour before they turned a bit grey.

We talked to driver and asked him where do they come from. He was very polite and told us that they come from some farmer and now they go to slaughterhouse.
There were 180 pigs in the truck.

He drove away and we stood up there, in beautiful sun, in a clear air of lovely late Winter afternoon. I saw some pigs, hens and cows transports before.
I never felt so helpless.

Our dog, Panda makes funny sounds, because of which we call her "little pig".

Please, think about going vegan.

*
"When so many stay silent we have to scream even louder.
And scream even more so that someone will finally hear us.
When so many stay silent we have to scream even louder.
You are not alone, it all depends on you and me."

clear thoughts.clear minds. white nights.

GEMA forbids me to upload it here, so I share with just link below:

please start from this video.

"Has it been a day or a week?
As my eyes begin to close
I am walking in my sleep
Living in a state in between
Do the signs begin to show
See the eyes fare in the dark
As they Glow
As they Glow

These dreams under my pillow
In the twilight of these white nights
these dreams under my pillow
In the twilight of these white nights
Of these white nights

Something is about to be born
There's a restlessness in me
Keeps me up until the dawn
There is no silence
I will keep following the sirens
There is no silence
I will keep following the sirens"


It makes me think about one of the beautiful days in end of last August, flow of warm air while I was riding a bike with speed of light downhill Warsaw streets and bridges and the feeling of something coming.

Now it's almost Spring, it looks like it came so rapidly I didn't manage to post my lovely frosted trees photos.

And now I feel like that.

Like I'm dreaming a dream from under my pillow. Like walking in my sleep. Like there's something amazing coming. Like there's no silence. Like I will just follow the call of my heart singing to me. I did it many times before and I think I've never honestly regret that.

I'm so sorry for all the friends who I've talked to recently, who are in trouble.
I feel I deserve this appreciation I finally receive after all this dark times of feeling useless and worthless. But this is so much love I'm not able to store.
So I give it away to anyone who need it. Suddenly so many of you need it and I'm happy I can at least be there for you.

I think I'm getting more and more hippie every day.

Especially since yesterday, when I finally learned to play and sing simultaneously "Blowing in the wind" from Dylan.

Just wait for acoustic-punk version.

Heart

I remember when when I found out about polyamory, during one of the Warsaw's Hard Core festivals, on one of zine stalls I found a zine "Anarchy and Polyamory". Honestly I've never read it till the end, but I read other things.
I also took a look through my last ten years of being in relationships, monogamous relationships which somehow always made me unhappy. And the more I was reading about it, the more I was getting sure, how much it all refers to me.
A lot of time passed since then, I fell in love and fell out several times, but what most important I learned a lot about myself.

Except treating the fact of falling in love as something natural and not necessarily ending good (or as well bad), I learned to share and divide my emotions.

Last months taught me a lot more about this subject, I've never had to be so flexible and cautious in treating my heart with care, just not to let it break. I've been through so many different and rich relations like never before and now I feel like my heart's capacity of feelings extended just like my lungs and circulatory system competence extended after months of running.
I feel full of love. Again, but this time I don't feel anymore, that no one needs it. I just know how to manage it wisely.

And I keep on living my Northern life in small, funny town near big awesome city, I enjoy snowy, beautiful Winter, I'm more active that I expected I'd be.
The future will remain unwritten.